Wednesday, June 14, 2006

If I Could Save Time In A Bottle.........

Last night, I realised I'm getting old. I'm 36 - or am I 37? When you get to this age, time just blends and one birthday passes for any other. So, for arguments sake, let's say I'm 36. Deep inside however, deep deep inside, I feel like I'm the 13 year old that was in this picture:

Don't we all feel young inside? I still think I can run and play and drink and do all the things I could when I was say 16 or 17 or 18......... My body tells me otherwise. I had so many dreams, ambitions and idealistic thoughts as a teenager, many of which I have in fact carried out and lived to fulfill. Love, marriage, kids, travel etc.,

In many ways I am still the same person as I was years ago. I've matured but I'm still the same down inside. The same things still make me laugh and I still have some of the same friends - something I am extremely proud of.

What I seem to be losing however are the memories. Slowly but surely they are evaporating from my mind. Piece by piece. Last night was when it all sank in. I was trying to remember old boyfriends I had in school. (I started off thinking about Bingo, don't ask me how I got to boyfriends!) I'm sure last week I could name them all yet this morning, I can only remember their first names - if that! I remember certain things about them, like how I used to go with a boy called Robert to kiss behind the old tennis courts at school, and how I went out with a boy called Steven (a twin) and one day I accidentally was kissing his brother Christopher. Back in the day, those memories kept me going like a lump of wood on a fire. Today they are just fading memories.

I remember a girl called Sarah picking on me ALL THE TIME at my middle school and one day I had just had enough and I was going to give her a right smack but when it came down to it I just looked at her and stuck my tongue out and did the old 'fart' sound. Yeah. I told her! I'm sure I knew her last name last week!

I remember being in the kitchen one day and me and my brother David were playing darts and he threw one and it stuck right in my head. Or was it the other way around? Who knows? Last week I'm sure I could have told you not only who hit who but what the score was!

This picture of my brothers and me with Spiderman? I remember that skirt and those socks all too clearly! I can almost feel the fabric if I close my eyes, yet I can't remember any vacations we went on? What is THAT all about?

I remember my first day of primary school and I walked right under the brass bell as the teacher was ringing it to round us all up at breaktime. Ouch! I could have told you how many stitches I got last week, but today - not a clue.

I DO remember however wearing a jumpsuit for school similar to the ones Charlies Angels used to wear and everyone making fun of me. I also remember the blue cloud pattern suit I wore (must have been 5 or 6) and everyone said it looked like I was wearing pyjamas to school.

The thing is, I don't ever want to forget the remaining memories I have. I want to be able to continue telling my kids stories of when I was at school.

It hit me last night (yes, I was doing an awful lot of thinking last night) that I don't have either my mum OR my dad around anymore to tell me what I did when I was a kid - and I'm not sure they'd even remember anyway, it was ooh, 30+ years ago!!!!! Yeah I have uncles and aunts etc., but they only have memories of me as a neice or cousin.......

My kids complain all the time when I tell them stories that I've told them a million times before. They don't realise that soon enough I won't remember and I will be relying on them to tell ME the stories of when I was young!

When my kids are older, I want them to be able to have an idea of how I was when I was younger, things me and my brothers did, things their grandparents did, what school was like, what holidays were like. I want them to know that what they are going through now is the same shit we all went through as kids and that the hard times, the troubles, all the bad stuff? It isn't the be all and end all of life and that when they are older, it won't mean shit! Not only that, I want them to be able to hear stories of what they were like as babies, what I am going through as they are growing up, what my thoughts about them are etc.,

So I have decided that I have to do something about it. A while back, I got my mum a book that basically was a 'book of life'. You filled in the pages that had titles like "My first........" or "A happy memory I have is......." I thought it would be helpful in the memory recollection scheme of things - unfortunately, she didn't have enough time to fully complete it. I don't want that to be the issue with me. I think I'm either going to order this book or make my own. I have to get these memories down before they aren't even that anymore!

So, if my next few posts here end up being memories, stories about me and stuff I got up to as a youngster through teenager, bear with me! I'll try to make them interesting....

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