Tuesday, December 13, 2005

There goes my baby..................

16 years and 9 months ago my life changed forever. I had my first baby - Nick.

Back then, the world was changing. The Exxon Valdiz oil disaster, soccor fans killed at Hillsborough Football stadium, etc., But in St James Hospital - Leeds, after a 36 hour labor, I had my son and my life changed.

I remember it like it was yesterday. He weighed 7lbs and 13 oz. He had blond hair.

I remember his first day at school, wherein he was hit in the head with a heavy brass bell and had to get stitches.

I remember clothes he wore when he was a toddler.

I remember his first hair cut!

I remember when he learned how to swim.

I remember presents he got for Christmas and birthdays like an annoying toy plane that just went around and around in circles all the while playing a very annoying version of "It's a small world after all......"

I remember him being old enough that I could leave him on his own finally while going grocery shopping.

I remember his first joke.

I remember the first time he got into trouble.

I remember the time his fashion sense changed when moving to America.

I remember when all he wanted to be when he grew up was a vet.

Lately, things have been changing for Nick. He isn't happy. He is being a teenager and living by our rules isn't cutting it for him. He hates school and does not put any effort into it, and with teachers who could care less, this is an easy path for him to take. This path he is heading down has many turns. Right ones and wrong ones. He is taking many wrong ones and getting into the kind of trouble he shouldn't. We have done all that we can, with every resource we have available aside from boot camp or military school. Nothing is working. I can't bear the thought of him getting into drugs, more trouble, jail or other things that are a parents worse nightmare all the while being unable to stop him. He is heading this way.

Hence the decision we made. We had to get him away from all this.

Today, my life changed in a way that I never thought possible.

We sent our son to a better (hopefully) life. One where he can do the things that interest him while working hard. One where he will hopefully see that this life he had here wasn't so bad. One that will make him mature, make him appreciate what he had/has, and hopefully one that will bring him back here, a man.

He flew today to New Zealand to live with my brothers for a while.

Seeing my baby go was THE hardest thing I have ever had to do. Hard because on one hand I feel like I am giving up on him, but on the other hand I am trying to give him what he wants - the experience of life. I remember when he was born, holding him for the first time and thinking I don't ever want to NOT be able to hold him.

Today I let him go.

I let him go.

He is going to a place that isn't easy for us to just pop on a plane to see him. He is going to a place we have never been before. He is going into the care of my brothers who we have to put all our faith into. In the hope that for the final two years of his teenage life he will continue to grow and mature.

I was a single parent for many years and I think that this just strengthened the bond between me and my kids. I am sure that Nick right now has no idea whether he either loves me or hates me. I'm sure he is in turmoil. I can only hope that one day he will look back and realise that this was the best thing for him, that we were thinking of him, his life and what to do and that we made the right choice. I can only hope.

At 17 I was working in Germany, away from my parents. Albeit not as far as New Zealand but away from my family. This experience I KNOW, made me the person I am today. I am thankful that my parents let me go. I returned confident in myself and the direction my life was taking, that my decisions were life changing and would affect me massively. Hopefully, this will be the same for Nick.

So, today for me, is a reflecting day. I am going to look at pictures of my baby, cry, and just console myself quite possibly with alcohol, but all the while having faith in myself and Nick that although both our lives just changed beyond compare that it is a change for the good.

I will miss him, his stupid jokes, his laundry all over the house, his bad grade cards, his constant listening to Rap music, his voice.......

I will miss him.


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