Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The history of drinking......

I was at the store earlier, and got to the liquor aisle and was stumped as to what I should buy. I was walking aimlessly around for minutes before I realised. I have no idea what my taste is. What do I drink? What delicacies please my refined palate the most? I am 35 years old and have oh, at least 22 years of drinking history behind me. So what do I drink? Well, let's take a walk through this 'history' of mine and see where it takes us.

Age 13

Cider. Sweet cider. Woodpecker usually. This was either drunk at parties held at my friends houses, or whilst sitting in parks on a Friday night. Either way, I got drunk, usually made out with a really fugly kid and regretted it the next day all the while swearing I would never drink again.

Age 17

As I was now at an age where it was easy to get into pubs and clubs, I would drink the very sophisticated combination of "half a lager and lime". Hhhhhhhmmmm tasty. The sweeter the better, while also being cheap for the lucky lad who would buy it for me! As my only prior drinking experience had been cider, you can see how easily I got drunk on the lager and lime. My getting shitfaced on this invariably led me to getting off with a fugly guy and regretting it the next day (as I sneaked out of his house) all the while swearing I would never drink again.

Age 21 - 24

By this time, I had progressed to pints! I'm a grown up see! Still with lime in but a pint none-the-less. I'd dabbled in shorts but nothing was really hitting me on the head shouting "pick me as your drink, pick me". I'd tried Pernod and Black but the smell was overpowering. Rum was 'an old persons drink' and everything else was too expensive for me. So, I had to make do with pints, fugly men and swearing that I would never drink again.

Age 25 - 29

Now I'm at the age where I am working, but paying bills! I was also feeling the need to still go out pubbing and clubbing while trying to make do on 20 pounds for the night. This meant that I would go to my friends house and drink 4 bottles of Lambrini to get a 'buzz'. Basically, the cheaper, the whiter, the better! Then we'd go to the pub and neck two pints of lager (with shots of Vodka in them) and get a cab to the Nightclub and hope to find someone to buy me more drinks! 9 times out of 10, it worked! But I'd often have to dance with a fugly guy, wake up with a hang over and swear that I would never drink again.

Cheap wine I like


It was at this age that I happened to go out for a beer (like you do), and one pint turned into another, then into another, and so on and so on, and wouldn't you know, there was an offer at this nightclub where you could buy a shot of Tequila for 50 cents. Never having had Tequila, I was all up for it. It tasted nasty and I assumed it was the salt. So I had another one without the salt, and that was vile, so I assumed it must be the lemon, so had one without the lemon. And so on and so on........ The next thing I knew, I was asleep on my front doorstep, being woken up by the sitter who had heard a bump in the night and opened the door to find me falling in. No I wasn't with a fugly guy but I did swear that I would never drink again.

Of course, I can't even smell Tequila without wanting to vomit. I'm sure you are the same with a drink..........

29 - now...........

Living in the States, the most common drink is beer. From the bottle. Budweiser is what I like. I can drink a bunch of this stuff. I have tried Cherry Bombs, Monkey Juice, JD & Coke, etc., but usually fall back on Budweiser. I am partial to what I call Martini and Lemonade which is just Vermouth and 7 Up/Sprite. I can get shitfaced on this stuff. Completely. But thats it. And its cheap. I am many things and cheap is right at the top of the list. If ever I come round to yours, just make sure you have my Martini and Lemonade, a bed, a fugly guy* and be ready to hear me shout "I'm NEVER DRINKING AGAIN".

So, to get back to my original question, what do I drink? Beer - Bud, Wine - the cheaper the better and anything else? Vermouth and 7 Up. Get your bar stocked!

and for you youngsters out there thinking that "Drinking is cool"? Well, it is but when you see this? STOP!


You think Jessica is wearing these knickers to be sexy?


Nope, she's going out on the piss and doesn't want to break the seal! and what better way to save waiting in line for hours at the bog than to wear the "Catch all knickers". She's a clever girl!

*Of course I'm kidding about the fugly guy........

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