Thursday, February 10, 2005

Can I really BE this good?

I'm sure my regular readers know, but for those that don't, I am apparently still enduring the process that is a job application for my local city hall. I say enduring as it has been ongoing since bloody August last year! For a part-time job at that! However, it is a job I want and hopefully will get!

Anyway, part of the process in this application, is that I have to undertake two polygraph tests! I already did my first one - a pre employment test - you can read about that whole debacle here. However, I was told that should everything else go well, I would have to do another one. Yes, another one! I couldn't imagine what else I could possibly be asked that would pertain to the job that they hadn't already asked and I really wasn't willing to do another intrusive test. Then it was explained that the second test would be more of a "Since your last polygraph, have you done this, that and the other". So, I agreed. And to tell you the truth it really wasn't that bad! the guy doing it was nice, we chatted about England etc., and before I knew it, it was over and done with.

BUT! (and you knew there was one coming!)

They asked me again and again about gambling and drug use! Now, I know I am 35, and believe me when I say this, I have lived my life! I've partied hard, travelled, and just danced the light fandango.... but I apparently haven't partied, lived nor danced as hard as people would expect!

They first asked me about gambling. I don't. Simple as that! I don't bet on horses, dogs, races, football, you name it, I don't bet on it! I don't buy those scratch off cards. I don't play card games unless of course you count Snap as a card game then go ahead, I'm an addict! Snap truthfully is the only card game I know how to play! (that and 52 card pick up which as you know isn't really a game more a trick played on you by idiots). I don't know how to play go fish or that stupid grandma game. Poker? Well that is beyond me. I play Solitaire on the computer but does that count as gambling? I doubt it. So no I don't gamble. Mind you, he asked if I had ever bought a lottery ticket. Oh, you got me! My hands are up! I bought a lottery ticket in 1994 once. Shit, would I have failed the polygraph on that question!?

So they then started in on me for drugs seeing as they knew they weren't getting anywhere with the gambling. Well, I'm sorry. I don't do drugs. (Am I now sounding like a goody two shoes to you all?) Actually, once, about 10 years ago, me and my friend Sarah were sitting at her house one day, and she said she might have found some of her boyfriends mushrooms and "should we try them?" Well, she brought out this plastic ziplock bag, and in it was what looked like a bunch of pot-pourri! So she got a tiny piece for me and one for her and we ate it. (Now I know all your stoners out there are laughing your arse off at the situation, but blow me!) Anyway, nothing happened, and we just felt stupid and then proceeded to neck a bottle of Lambrini which, at one pound fifty, was going to make us feel better than any dried fruit looking pot-pourri could ever do! So there you go, that was my one drug experience. It couldn't even be counted as drugs, but because it is in my mind, I had to tell the polygraph guy. I can still picture his shoulders shaking with laughter as I told him! Yeah great, just call me Andrea 'the Columbian' Knapp.

So thats it folks. I don't do drugs, gamble nor am I involved in any kind of legal (or illegal) prostitution. Could I be more of an angel?

Are there any secrets you have that would make the sirens scream, red lights flash and the ink on the polygraph test go off the paper? Come on, you can tell me... I won't tell anyone, I'm a good person as I just told you!

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