The Grudge........

and no, not the Japanese movie!

I've been thinking a lot recently about my life and the people in it. The people I like, the people I love and the people that I have a STRONG dislikation* for. This got me thinking about grudges that I hold and it wasn't until I started thinking about these people that I realized just how many grudges there are! There are loads it turns out.

I used my amazing superhuman skills Googled 'grudge' and ooh, holding grudges is pretty bad for you apparently. In fact, I think the definition "Grudge : Holding a grudge for someone shows emotional imbalance" pretty much nails it.

A grudge is defined as "resentment strong enough to justify retaliation". Everyone has, at some time or other, been hurt deeply by someone close. Bitterness about the person or situation leads to a grudge. Personal injustice ignites resentment in heart, which turns into a grudge. Since grudge is a form of resentment, a person who bears grudge may become revengeful. Instead of focusing on what he needs to solve a problem, for instance, he may spend most of his time thinking of ways to get back at whom he resents. This can be dangerous for there is a possibility of injuries.

Why is that I some people choose to spend time on holding a grudge rather than just getting on with their own lives? What happened in my life that made me such a mean person? A person that will just "never let it lie"? I KNOW that this is one thing that people notice about me. George often laughs at how I refuse to give in, how I just always have to win, how I'm never going to forget. How did I become this person? How did I go from being the Andrea that didn't give a shit and was just a care-free person to the 'vengeful-grudge-holding bitch' I am today?

I thought about it, while researching again, Googling, and I came across the 12 step program that people suffering from addiction use as their 'mantra' I suppose. I guess my grudge-holding is a form of addiction depending on how you look at it.

I'm not a religious person so all the God related steps went right out of the window (Ooooh, do I hold a grudge against God? Don't think so......) and then I got to steps 8 and 9.

Step 8.

Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

OK. I can do the list thingy, that's a piece of piss, but just how far back do I go? All the way back to when Philippa Edwards stole the main part in the nativity play at primary school (Yes, I am that much of a grudge holder) or just back to when my boyfriend cheated on me? Then, once that loooooong list is made, I have to think about whether I am willing to make amends. But how do you do that? Is an apology for holding a grudge enough? Half of the people probably don't even know I HOLD a grudge never mind think badly of them.....


Step 9

Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

See, I think this is my 'get out of jail free' card in this one. 'except when to do so would injure them or others'. There are some people that I hold such HUGE grudges for that the mere sight of them makes me want to throttle the living crap out of them.

Really. I know. That's bad.

So, once I've made this loooooong list, I should go through it and strike out the names of those who belong on another list. A list to be hidden in case the police come a-lookin' (just kidding.....).

So, thus far, I have a list and beside each name, is the reason I hold a grudge. Then I have to find a way of contacting these people to right the wrong.

This is where my internal struggles start. You see, I am holding a grudge for a reason. If an ex cheated on me several times, why should I call him to 'let go....' ? I guess because it makes me a better person? It makes me a bigger person ? Forgiving? I read somewhere that "Releasing this grudge through forgiveness will result in a brand new surge of emotional and physical energy. It is difficult, if not impossible, to forgive an offense. Therefore, when we cannot forget an offense, we can choose not to dwell on it. We cannot fully erase the memory banks of our mind but we do have the power to refuse to think on past injustices, once forgiven."

I guess then, that over the next few days, in preparation of this grudge-purge, I should free my mind, not dwell and just LET IT GO.

LET.

IT.

GO.

I'm told that the best way to forget is to improve our behavior and circumstances until we feel safe enough to let go of bitter memories. If someone has upset us in the past, we should try to work out some kind of agreement with the person so you can feel reasonably sure it will not happen again. Easier said than done.

I have thought long and hard about this over the past few days and I am willing to take baby steps with this. There are still people who I wouldn't spit on if they were on fire say hello to, but other people I have deep vengeful feelings for**, well, I should try to fix that. I'll let you know how it goes.

*yep. Made up word.
**Yes, I am aware that people probably feel the same about me too.